Discover how to support your child’s development through a trauma-informed approach for lasting change.
Introduction: When Behaviour Is Communication
Imagine a typical morning where your foster child suddenly refuses to get dressed for school. You feel the familiar rush of frustration and helplessness as they huddle beneath the blankets. You’re not alone. Many foster carers face similar challenges and wonder what they’re doing wrong. Did you know that up to 70% of children in care experience emotional and behavioural issues due to past trauma?
In this guide, we’ll explore how a deeper understanding of trauma and attachment can transform your approach to supporting your foster child. By the end, you’ll have practical strategies and insights to address behavioural challenges with compassion, help your child build emotional regulation skills, and create a healing environment at home.
The Science Made Simple: Understanding Brain and Behaviour
The Brain’s Response to Trauma
When we discuss trauma, we’re often referring to experiences that deeply stress a child’s developing brain, affecting how they respond to the world. When something similar to past trauma occurs, the brain may jump to ‘fight, flight, freeze, or fawn’ responses.
Consider a child who is touched unexpectedly. If their brain links touch with previous harm, this could trigger a survival response. For a young child, this might mean a meltdown; for a teenager, it might be sudden withdrawal.
Developmental Differences
Children of different ages respond differently. A toddler might throw toys when frustrated, while a teenager might lock themselves in their room. Understanding these responses helps us support children appropriately, recognising these aren’t ‘bad behaviours’ but signals of stress and unmet needs.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Scenario 1: Bedtime Battles with a Toddler
Ellie, aged 3, often screams and refuses to go to bed. Her carers, initially frustrated, begin to understand her sleep troubles are a survival strategy rooted in a past where night-time was uncertain. With a new approach focusing on comfort and safety, bedtime slowly becomes more peaceful.
Scenario 2: A Teenager’s Silence
Jake, 14, is disengaged and silent at the dinner table. Previously viewed as ‘sulking,’ his foster carer realises Jake’s silence is a protective mechanism for managing stress. With patient, gentle engagement, Jake starts sharing small snippets of his day.
Scenario 3: The Overwhelmed Youngster
Sam, aged 8, has chaotic mornings. His carer learns that Sam’s struggle isn’t defiance; it’s an overwhelmed nervous system response. Slowly introducing structured routines helps Sam feel more secure.
Your Practical Toolkit: Strategies for Success
1. Building Emotional Safety
– Create predictable routines with visual schedules to help children like Sam know what to expect.
– Use transitional objects like a favourite toy to help children move from one activity to another with less distress.
2. Co-Regulation Techniques
– Stay calm during heightened emotional responses. Your calmness helps soothe a child’s brain.
– Use soft tones and touch (when appropriate and safe) to reassure and connect with your child.
3. Understanding ‘Big Emotions’
– Label emotions: “It seems like you’re feeling overwhelmed.”
– Validate feelings: “It’s okay to feel scared. I’m here with you.”
4. Sensory Strategies
– Identify sensory triggers and offer tools like noise-cancelling headphones or a weighted blanket.
– Designate a calming corner with sensory-friendly items for self-soothing.
5. Building Connection Through Play
– Engage in activities the child enjoys and feels competent in, boosting their self-esteem and connection with you.
6. Open and Honest Communication
– Depending on their age, explain that behaviour is a way of expressing and learning about their experiences.
Common Challenges and Solutions
1.”I’m Trying Everything but Nothing Works!”
– Solution: Reflect on other influences—diet, sleep, and screen time can impact behaviour. Small adjustments might make a difference.
2. Managing Public Meltdowns
– Solution: Prepare for outings by explaining what will happen and how long it will last. Practice deep breathing exercises together.
3. Balancing Boundaries with Understanding
– Solution: Develop clear, consistent rules but incorporate choices to help the child feel empowered.
4. Understanding Regression
– Solution: Acknowledge regression as a sign of safety that allows the child to explore earlier developmental stages. Offer more support during these times.
A Day in the Life: Implementing Strategies
Picture a day where you start with a calm morning routine: you gently wake your child, offer them time to adjust, and help them choose between two breakfast options. During breakfast, you discuss the day’s activities using a simple chart.
After school, there’s calming playtime—building blocks. As bedtime approaches, a quiet story and a cup of warm milk help soothe an usually anxious child.
Different Children, Different Needs
Each child has unique experiences and needs. A younger child might benefit more from sensory tools, while a teenager might thrive on routine discussions. Adapt your strategies to suit their current emotional and developmental state.
Working with Your Support Network
Communicate regularly with social workers, schools, and therapists. Share observations and strategies that work or need adjusting. Building a strong partnership helps reinforce consistent support across different environments.
Measuring Progress
Progress may be gradual. Look for small changes, like a reduction in meltdowns or increased willingness to share. Celebrate these small wins as stepping stones to bigger changes.
When to Worry vs. When to Wait
It’s okay to worry about your child’s progress. However, it may be time to seek professional advice if behaviours escalate or new concerning behaviours appear.
Building on Success
Once you start seeing progress, expand on what works and slowly introduce new strategies. Celebrate successes visibly to your child, fostering a positive atmosphere.
Monthly Focus Suggestion
Consider focusing on building a sensory-friendly home space. Each month, integrate one new sensory tool or strategy that might help in creating a calm environment for your child.
FAQ Section
Q1: “What if my child doesn’t respond to any strategies?”
A: Give it time and be patient. Consistency is key, and sometimes strategies need adjustments.
Q2: “How can I help my child transition between activities?”
A: Use countdowns or timers and visual schedules to help signal changes.
Q3: “Why is my child better behaved at school than home?”
A: The home is a safe space to express stress and emotions. Use this as an opportunity to deepen connection and support.
Q4: “When should I seek professional help?”
A: Contact your social worker or a child psychologist for further guidance if behaviours seem overwhelming or unsafe.
Each one of us can make a meaningful difference in a child’s life. By embracing trauma-informed approaches, we not only respond to but also understand and meet the deeper needs of our foster children, helping them feel safe, secure, and loved. Let’s continue this journey together, hand in hand for lasting and positive change.
